i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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