I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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