Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
being pregnant is like rehab
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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