and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
