I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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