"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
