I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
worst night to have a conscience
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
it glows. i had to have it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
