If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
