There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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