Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
