my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Randomize
