I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
