I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
