My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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