Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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