You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
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I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
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Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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