I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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