Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
