seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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