I have demons in me.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
