She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
