omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
