Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
In other news, I just burned my penis
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
