wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Randomize
