Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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