I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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