i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
