I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
