Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
