goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
