Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
