Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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