I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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