I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
