I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
