I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
