How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
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Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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