apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
