Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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