i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
