I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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