shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
