I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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