Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
