Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
