I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
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Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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