Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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