I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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