There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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