Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
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Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
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its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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