My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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