Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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