upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
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