You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
