It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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