Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I love how my cats smell like pot.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
