was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
