On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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